Pope Takes Standing Eight Count
Perhaps an angry mother of a child, used by one, or more, of the hundreds of Catholic Clergy who routinely use children as hand-puppets. That’s the what crossed my mind when news that 82 year old Ben Pope was attacked by a woman, described as “disturbed,” by Vatican officials. Interesting cherce o’ woids. Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black? Doesn’t the man, pictured here wearing a dress, head the up the most disturbing cult, ever?
Anyway, happy birthday Ma. You woulda enjoyed this.
Oakland A’s… The Thinking Man’s Team
My love/hate relationship with the A’s of [currently] Oakland, goes back many a year. I can’t say they haven’t given me food for thought. Example #5,675: Why would the [prepetually, it seems,] rebuilding team think of signing this man?…
… He’s 30 year old Coco Crisp. Not only has he already taken a King’s ransom from the game [likely to affect his motivation]. but unless there’s a deal in the woiks for some power, signing him would impeed the progress of the Sweenys Davises, Taylors and Hairstons in the organ-I-zation.
Once again, WTF, Billy Beane?
Zelda’s Pizza… Sacramento’s Finest
Every now and again, I go east to Sacramento. I spent two, six year hitches in the “city that never awakens,” and at times, I miss it… more than one would imagine. Yesterday I tasted the familiar deep dish pizza/keesh delight. Simply the best pizza on the west coast. Here are some pics. of me, the Zelda’s sign, and the booth L.G. and I shared every Friday night, for years:
‘Tis The Season… Here’s The Reason
This was forwarded to me by the good Dr. Richard Berk, of Kittatinny Camp fame :-). It so captures it all!!
Enjoy.
If anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer!
1. Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th . It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and go out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress , the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos….Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah , Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah , Hannukah, etc.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.Wax candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful….Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas mornings. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus , Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
11. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, “Joseph, you shmuck, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn’t sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here’s the number of my shrink.”
12. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah , even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
Happy Chanukah!
Husband Banned From Target
This made me laugh on a Monday… so you know it’s funny.
“After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local
Target.”
Dear Mrs. Johnson,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Johnson, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,’Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were
called..
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’
by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.
George Bernard Shaw…
… had a way with words, like no other. Whitness these thought provoking quotes:
“If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange apples then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea and I have an idea and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas.”
“Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.”
“When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.”
“My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.”
“The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.”
“The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.”
“Lack of money is the root of all evil.”
“A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell.”
“Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.”
“There are two tragedies in life. One is to not get your heart’s desire. The other is to get it.”
“The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.”
“People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don’t believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can’t find them, make them.”
Is Capitalism A “Sin”? Maybe So, However…
A Sunday With Mose Allison
Normally [ha!!] I reserve Sunday for Frank and Ella, together and/or with Basie.
Today I awoke cravin’ you… and Mose.
Check out this link, and you’ll hear why.
Comfortably Zoned with Ralph Zig Tyko 
